I get to cry privately in Darkness, without anyone watching, because he protects me with his cape delivered as the absence of light. How loyal he is. Darkness, my one friend I know will always show up for me, every - single - day. I find myself not wanting to sleep at at night, to not wake up alone. I spend a lot of time with Darkness in the nights, and that is why it spawns me grief to wake up in the morning.
II. LIFE IN DELUSION
My legs, they shake, filled with anxiousness. I didn’t know I needed you until I didn’t have you any longer. Or am I lying to myself? Maybe I don’t need you, but it could be because I want you. Never had I lied to myself like this. I really played it with composure, but you snuck up on me. How could I let this happen? Again? You are not the You that I saw in the beginning. The You that enticed me, cared for me, and filled my very being with nothing but satisfaction… Instead, you are now one of the you(s) that I have been running away from. You know, the fake “You’s”. There are now many of those “you’s” that have passed through my lifetime thus far, and I know there is a plethora and abundance of them still to come. However, you might have been the closest one to being the genuine “You”, the “You” that I’ve been waiting for this whole time. I can’t blame you, for it is me who is at fault, my brain needs more time to learn how to aid my heart into deciphering who is, and who isn’t, You. My You. The one and only.
Why would my tears matter? Why could I ever believe that? Not to say that I should manipulate myself into thinking I'm not important enough for someone to tend to me and my tears, but because they themselves are not the ones who should be doing so. For the time being, Darkness will take care of my tears and I, and when You come to me, the real You, Darkness will take a step back, because he knows I won’t be crying anymore when I meet You. The only tears I will have are those of happiness, and that is when Darkness will retire, and Sunshine will come out to introduce herself to me, making me anew. Her warmth will dry my eyes, always. You and I will walk, together, amongst the rays Sunshine provides, and we will laugh and we will love. And we will wave to her, praise her, thanking her for shining bright, so that we can look at each other in the radiance that is the sunlight.
III. GRIEF
My God!! Universe! I know you see me, for I am you, a part of you. Please, I beg. End this character development phase for my timeline. Turn the page, close the book, do what you must, but I’ve had enough. Please, don’t use me anymore. I know I can help others find their way, which is why you send them to me, but please, I can do it no longer at my own expense and sanity. I know you see me enduring these trials and hardships, yet you purchase these villains one way tickets into my life. Where is the door so I can nail it shut and hang up a do not disturb sign? My heart needs rest. Hear my plea. Please, please stop placing me in situations where I am but a pawn in others’ lives. Nothing short of a chess piece used for yet another game. I beg you. There is nothing more in my heart than what feels like shattered glass. Every time you deliver another masked figure to me, they step on this glass, turning it into dust, making it impossible to clean up, and leaving nothing but eternal pain to feel.
I’m screaming to you. Oh Universe, I tried. Tried so hard to use logic before allowing this figure to break the barrier and providing them a glimpse into having me. I said no, my brain said no, but as always, the disguise was donned so great that I entered with what was left of my heart, although secretly knowing it would end in pain and anguish. The angel on my right shoulder had told me to push and give it effort, but it’s the devil on the left who stands there laughing at me. A fool. I am left a fool.
Like a jester, I walk towards the king after my performance - the king, representing the vices in this world, and I bow down, as I am slain yet again.
IV. BUT WHY NOT ME?
Why am I not allowed to break down into someone’s arms and be loved unconditionally? I don’t recall signing up to Earth for despair and loneliness.
I will say to each and every masked figure that continues to make his way to me; The beauty of the face will fade, but the beauty of the heart lingers forever. My eyes might fail me from time to time, but my soul will always see right through the masks.
There were so many ways this blogpost could have gone, and I truly wanted to make it conclude on a happy note, but with me, that could never be the case. I am a soul doomed, entrapped in a cycle of searching, and never finding what I’ve been living for as I live in the vessel we call Yasmeena.
V. BACK TO REALITY
My love, my sweet, sweet man. To comfort myself I must state out loud for my own ears to hear, that you do not exist, and that you exist only in my heart.
“I choose to love you in silence, for in silence I find no rejection”. - Rumi
Yasmeena.