Naseeb – what a funny word I think to myself. To others naseeb might mean fate, but to me, it symbolizes the game of Russian Roulette:
The gun they’ve given me is fully loaded.
I keep pulling the trigger, but all I’m hit with are the bullets, no empties.
Shot after shot.
Wound after wound.
No time to heal.
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Why does the potential notion of falling back in love feel even more painful and gut-wrenching after the last time? How can another soul that has only just crept up on me, have such a large impact on the way I feel? I told myself I would never let another person dictate my emotions or stop me from going about my daily responsibilities after what I had endured prior. Yet, here I am again unable to rid the weight sitting on my chest. How is it possible that in just a handful of hours, someone has made this impact on me? The truth is, I was pessimistic that I would find Him. I didn’t think He could exist in the vastness of this universe. I had been so deep in love before… or attachment… - well whatever you want to call it, that I no longer believed I would find what it is that I’ve always wanted. Here He is, beautifully presented in front of my gaze. It feels like a fever dream, like the gods of the universe are teasing me. I knew it was too good to be true. This is the only man boy that’s had a hold on me since the last, and here I am again in pain trying to understand what this was between us. Lies and more lies. One minute my heart is nurtured, the next, I’m the last thing to matter. Why do I believe in hope? But that’s the thing, I think I no longer do. Is love in my destiny? Or am I fated for something greater? But what is greater than love? I keep an open heart when in fact I should shelter my heart from this morbidity.
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He came to me out of the darkest shadows. Everything that I’ve ever craved was just a few reaches away from my grasp. I desire an empathetic soul; someone that cares. Someone genuine. I thought He was that person and now there’s a cold space between us. Both in different worlds, how could I think I was worthy? What have I done that would drive him away? But it was not me; I cannot allow to offend myself with this belief. The person I thought I wanted to hold most in my arms, run my fingers through his hair, making him feel loved and safe is gone. Have I already lost that chance? It’s my fault. Why would he want to love me? I am only lovable to the ones that are opposite to him. He is the stars in the clouds while they are the wretched creatures that gather together to scare us on this earth. The creatures are the ones that I always attract, so what would make me think I was able to reach him, a pure soul? The conclusion I’ve come to make sense of, is that love will blind me. True love I should say. I have plenty of love to give to many souls and plenty of love I receive in return from them, but I’m at a loss for the kind of love I’ve been looking for. I again stop myself in my tracks and tell Yasmeena that she is worthy, and that these males are liars. I try to cushion the blow for her, but her problem is placing these males on pedestals that she later finds out were unwarranted. I later find out that the ones I imagine as "pure souls" were masked, and that they in fact are the creatures themselves. - I am an object to them. Cycles of use and abuse torment me.
Isn’t it a dream to have someone offer you the world? I personally would think so. I gave Him my world, I would have moved mountains for Him, and still, this “love” turns me down. Did you lead me here just to break my heart? Corruption comes from power, and I no longer give anyone the power to make me fall… I have to face the truth and learn my lesson that the universe has been trying to convey to me through every scenario I’ve encountered: which is to stop hoping for love to find me. I have a greater purpose on this earth, and to be consumed by an epic love story would cripple me. This is what I have to believe. This is what I’ve come to believe. Despite that, little Hope sits majestically upon her golden throne in the back of my subconscious. How I’ve come to resent her. Hope why do you torment me? Why have you fashioned my heart strings into a harp that you play ever so often for your amusement? The music you create is ever so enticing, but then it stops. I shake myself and then you stop, because you’re not real. You are a figment of my unsteady imagination. Stop living in my consciousness Hope! Please Hope, stop allowing me to provide others with chances they are undeserving of. I cannot grapple to keep feeling this way. I do not want to be in need of anyone and you will not convince me to let another in. I find myself perpetually letting you plant seeds Hope, and you constantly fail me.
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There’s this dress that’s been living in my dreams. I’ve been wondering if there will ever be a day where this dress will be breathed into life and live in my hands. It’s a beautiful strapless white square neck ballgown. So simple with a large ivory silk bow that ties and sits right on the small of my back. The gloves to complement are made of an elegant and delicate fabric, with the daintiest buttons running down the forearms trimmed with lace. The train sizeable, but not obnoxious to where I couldn’t maneuver, and a simple chiffon veil with pearl earrings to match. The dream of having a “Romeo” unveil what would be his future standing next to him will remain but a dream. There’s more of an acceptance day by day in my mind that I will not be anyone’s future as I am indeed my own future. I must have my back. I have my own shoulders to cry on. I shouldn’t expect anything more. The logic slithers in and I know that I have enough love to give to myself. There’s no need for “The One”. He doesn’t exist. This is someone that I’ve been indoctrinated to believe will show up in my life. I’ve been told to believe that I need someone, a protector, a prince, a partner with which I would build a life with. NO! That doesn’t exist. He doesn’t exist, at least for me he doesn’t. What an idiot I am, having viewed these love stories, given in to romantic ballads, and followed fairy tales. I will wear that dress one day - on the day that I’ve accepted myself as my soulmate, lover, and friend for life. The common denominator is that I am the fool. To rely on others is to be a buffoon.
Is Love a risk worth taking?
Love in fact is not a risk not worth taking.
……But I will still smile :)
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